This is the first time in my many seasons that I find myself without a close companion. I've never actually lived alone. My brother always shared a room with me. I roomed with other fellows when I was away teaching my religious views. I settled down with a beautiful mate and had her by my side most of the days of my life.

Neither of my grandfathers outlived their spouses, so my expectation sometimes was for that to be the case with me. I so looked forward to preparing a place for us on the other side of the veil of mortality and of greeting her arrival. But somehow life's plan called for her to leave sooner than I had expected.

Don't get me wrong. We spent far more years together than many other couples where physical handicaps are a part of each day. It was the unknown factor of health that shaped our choices about future planning. It wasn't that we were neglectful, but we had no way of knowing how much time would be available to us. Thus it is truly amazing to look back on forty four years that passed  before us.

Now that she is released from her broken frame and enjoying feelings of freedom that she never experienced in life, I am becoming aware of how much she supported me and lifted me up when I was down. I guess many things go unnoticed when people are close to one another so much. But this new distance is revealing that our life was not an unbalanced load. She carried as much weight in caring for our home and children as I did in providing resources and maintaining our abodes. Why wasn't I more aware and appreciative while she was here?

We come into this world immediately demanding that our needs be met every moment. The longer we live we gradually learn to demand less and give more. Sandy truly gave more than she ever asked in return. Her concern for each of our family and friends was always there before our eyes. How is such a life taken for granted by those of us receiving this care?

The old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder takes on new meaning now for me. I find myself thinking that going on without her is a burden I earned by not appreciating her more each moment we were together. I suppose that it's just a symptom of the period we call mourning, but part of me feels that this is the only way I can know the true power of another's love and caring. The bonds of our union now have a more solid reality. It is easy now to see them carrying us into the coming eternity.

Perhaps I will be able to see more clearly the need for closeness to others around me and to be more open about sharing precious time with whomever crosses my path. My most present hope is that I can stem the often flowing tides of emotion that bring me to my knees sobbing like a child. May be that is part of what our Lord meant when he said we should become as a little child. Children are not concerned with distant goals. They live in each moment and try to extract as much pleasure as their minds can conceive.

Some day I hope to be able to walk beside my wife, if only in the spirit, as I move through mortality and be comfortable in being together while apart. This is my true desire.